don't feel like i fit anywhere.. all i want to do is have a connection with someone.. i do have ppl in my life that love me.. don't feel it right now.. in when i tell them that they don't get it.. think that there's nothing that they can say to change my mind cuz i all ways feel these way.. it hurt when ppl say that.. even though there right.. just cuz i feel this was a lot doesn't mean that i want ppl to give up, say fuck it and wash there hands on the motion.. cuz i'm some sort of loss cause.. some days(most days) i blame myself meanly cuz i know there something wrong with me.. i'm the sick one.. so these most be all in my head.. and also it happens with more then one person in my life.. so i know that rule of thumb if it one person it them if more then 1, it you... so i'm going on that.. but i feel like i'm trying so damn hard... and i h8 that i can meet someone have way and they can't.. (same topic halfway).. i go out my way to learn and keep boundaries, how to talk to ppl, how to ask, and say no.. and i feel like i'm always using/trying to use the GIVE DBT skill and that not easy.. i'm not gentle when i'm mad!!! but know one and i mean know 1 and my life has take any steps to try to mend/ repair the broken or unhealthy relationship i may have with them...
not seeing the hope, light, in this at all.. and then i feel like ppl can / will still say/think... oh this is just her bpd.. and ur splitting.. but i don't think this is that... i know there gray i see gray in the world.. but this idk.. seem like they're so use to the crazy they don't what to have nothing new.. of they think i'm hopeless and one way or another and don't expects a "good healthy relationship" with me.. and that though make me even more sad
