shame from impulsive thoughts

i'm mad at my self for feeling this way in the 1st place who acts like this who?!? i got mad at my p-doc (so mad like over the top) and i didn't know want to do... i was like i know what i'll OD.. WTF is wrong w/ me.. i get mad and i was not even suicidal i just want to be like "see bitch; see what you made me do" the thing is that i didn't do it.. i didn't OD.. i didn't tell anyone i was going to OD to try to get some action from her... i use my skills and i got through it... but the thing is that i would it... i really truly thought that was a good idle... its to fucked up... i dissociate all the time so when i do off the wall stuff i don't remember it the next day... but i know that i have don't this awful manipulative things to ppl.. tell them the there going to be the reason i die and then OD/ or try to kill myself... and i know a number of those time i really didn't want to die i just want them to pay... to see how much they hurt me.... i looked in the mirror today and i hate myself.. i'm sickened by what i see... cuz all the horror stories that you hear about... all the fuck up things ppl say ppl w/ BPD do... there talking about me... before i was offended and taken back from the wronging ppl you send "RUN FAR FAR AWAY IF YOU MET SOMEONE WITH IN DISORDER" but now i you... and the funny part of it is... the truth makes me suicidal... #BPDsucks #kmn #fap #fml