I louth the night

If it’s not the PTSD and my fear of the dark..  Like the flashbacks and nightmares weren’t enough..  There’s the hell BPD..  That fear of loneliness can only sneak up on you at 1 AM because no one is up and you are alone.. Rationally I know I’m alone because everyone is asleep is normally sleep at this time.. But being rationale is not with BPD is for I have the piercing thoughts everyone hates me. that’s not that they’re not picking up the phone because their sleep but because they said Muh Destiny and they pushed ignore.. They’re ignoring me and they hate me. if they hate me then they must want me to die… I don’t even know how to begin how to stressing that thought it is but I go through it every night..  They hate me and I must want me dead… Its taking every bit of mustard and me to not pick up the phone and start text how much I hate people because I know that they hate me and I know that they want me dead and I know that they’re ignoring because at the end of the day that just pushes people away logically I know but somehow I can’t make myself believe..  I’m pretty sure that I’m going to die from loneliness despite what the name of this blog’s says..  It will be the death of me..  Will be a good girl will not anyone no I will I call anyone out of their names in anger.. I will be rational
I will tolerate this..

The price I pay for my rape

 TRIGGER WARNING (RAPE)   
The sweet nectar what's between my legs is my fault because you couldn't resist the temptation of tasting what you were not supposed to have.. what I did not give you permission to  see let alone violate..  But I guess like everything else its my cross to bear because it was my body that was violated.. that's my problem.. My fault.. I'm the one that has to pay for the therapy, pills, and the doctors appointments I'm the one that has to put on the time for recovery.. for something that you did.. This is something that you didn't even pay the price for..  its paid with my time. I paid with my soul you're the reason why I don't want to live but I'm not even supposed to tell anyone because it was my secret, it was my secret and I wasn't supposed to tell a soul..  I wish you killed me back in 1994 because I can't live this way anymore because of you I let others come after you I let my guard down and I wasn't able to see red flags that most people would have been able to tell from a mile away because of you I check the doors 18 times even though I already know its locked because of you I know that the boogeyman is real.. and I'm afraid of the dark.. See you taught me not to trust.. And where to cut..  You taught me to know my worth.. And the fastest way to make a little girls whores.. You tell me that my body is not mine and I do not have the right to say no...  That everything comes with a price and if I don't give it; then you will just take it.. what I don't pay with my dignity I will pay in full with my sanity.. I am the unloved darker half..  The ugly one that's only pretty when you are in last..  I am the weak one that was an able to fight you off.. You taught me no matter what I did.. no matter if I starved my body look like a boy or I became so fat that I was in risk of having diabetes I will always be yours.. There's nothing I can do to escape from your harsh hands, closed fist and hard dick inside of me..  I bleed on you but you don't care you tell me the wash up after and you go again because that's what kind of person you are... I still see you when I close my eyes even when the lights are on there's no escaping I will pay the price for ever