My Eating Disorder Story part 2

My Eating Disorder Story

Merry Christmas

Suicidal in the er

i have been having such a hard time in the last few week and i was let out the hospital and i went 5 days before my suicide attempt  and i when back to the hospital and was there for 6 days.. this vid was from the ER the night that i was admitted 12.12.12

eating disorder tag

the ramblings of a crazy women

My Mental Hospital Experience

i was in the hospital from 11/29/12 thru 12/6/12

I love u (thank you) 1yr vlogging

Cats love feet

Olivia love apples who know?

sickly hissy fits (fight w/ mom)

flu kills

BPD (spliting) DBT skills

Ed on thanksgiving

The god honest truth

my feeling after the election/ update and mood swings

thanksgiving sucks for ED and update

shame from impulsive thoughts

i'm mad at my self for feeling this way in the 1st place who acts like this who?!? i got mad at my p-doc (so mad like over the top) and i didn't know want to do... i was like i know what i'll OD.. WTF is wrong w/ me.. i get mad and i was not even suicidal i just want to be like "see bitch; see what you made me do" the thing is that i didn't do it.. i didn't OD.. i didn't tell anyone i was going to OD to try to get some action from her... i use my skills and i got through it... but the thing is that i would it... i really truly thought that was a good idle... its to fucked up... i dissociate all the time so when i do off the wall stuff i don't remember it the next day... but i know that i have don't this awful manipulative things to ppl.. tell them the there going to be the reason i die and then OD/ or try to kill myself... and i know a number of those time i really didn't want to die i just want them to pay... to see how much they hurt me.... i looked in the mirror today and i hate myself.. i'm sickened by what i see... cuz all the horror stories that you hear about... all the fuck up things ppl say ppl w/ BPD do... there talking about me... before i was offended and taken back from the wronging ppl you send "RUN FAR FAR AWAY IF YOU MET SOMEONE WITH IN DISORDER" but now i you... and the funny part of it is... the truth makes me suicidal... #BPDsucks #kmn #fap #fml

I'm trying to be okay but I'm not... I'm so out of it... I wish I was better for people I really do I don't think they think anything good about me... I'm trying to be there for 2 really good friends. every time I see them, talk to them, and the spotlight is not on me all I feel is anxiety because they're trying to be there for them. I feel there pain, there bad times but there's nothing I can do to help them and I feel like I'm a bad friend for that. I should be doing something but I don't know what it is and I'm supposed to be doing... I have so much love and respect for them and I never want to see them in pain... I think that there pain brings out something inside of me and then act out. I binge, purge, cut, get drunk just really bad destructive behaviors. I can't tell anyone that I did it because my friend was having a hard time because that just doesn't make sense... who hurt itself because someone else is hurting? that's sounds counter productive.. I'm smarter than this..that what I keep telling myself I keep talking to myself like I can "will it away" and mental illness just doesn't work like that.. this disease/ syndrome/disorder that I have.. this way of life!!? this fucked up brain I can't get rid of; by my intellect at least I've been told that.. What is a girl to do when her craziness is taking everything else in her... Her relationships... She bitchs about on a blog of course lol.. Fml

it's ok to be mad sometimes

I don't want to be calm.... I don't want to calm down... I want to curse, to scream, to punch things I'm so tired of everyone thinking that they know best for me telling me that my feelings are wrong... telling me to calm down sometimes the best thing for me isn't a calm down its to feel because I'm human and I have feelings

my ED ruins everything...

I saw something on YouTube today and I wanted to talk about it obviously I can' talk about it on YouTube because I try to keep it PG 13 kind of.. Lol the mystery topic is porn yeah I said it porn.. is so triggering and I'm not even talking about from PTSD stand point obviously they can do something in pornography and it can remind you of the trauma that you had(position that they're doing, something that they said) it can make u have panic attack.. but the thing that that person was talking about was how she couldn't watch porn because it triggered her eating disorder and that was the first time I ever heard someone say that out loud I honestly thought that I was the only 1 I felt that way I mean come on everyone in porn are so pretty they have no pimples on their ass no ingrown hairs even thou they're freshly shaved, no weird like armpit hair dude there freaking perfect!! I mean even the people w/ big boobs and big asses they have the flattest little tummies and the people that are skinny are like so skinny that you can see the rib cages in certain positions and I know people get off by these.. like I know know know for fact that people are getting off these girls are sexy because it's freaking porn that's the whole point of looking at it. I mean yes I do have big boobs and I guess depends on who you ask I have a big butt too but I do not have a small tummy... I'm full figured even though I hate it

boundaries are hard but important

no one gets me

mood update p-dac & t appt.

yay vlogs!! w/ some destration/contribution skills

hopeless and in my feelings

relationships not fun...

don't feel like i fit anywhere.. all i want to do is have a connection with someone.. i do have ppl in my life that love me.. don't feel it right now.. in when i tell them that they don't get it.. think that there's nothing that they can say to change my mind cuz i all ways feel these way.. it hurt when ppl say that.. even though there right.. just cuz i feel this was a lot doesn't mean that i want ppl to give up, say fuck it and wash there hands on the motion.. cuz i'm some sort of loss cause.. some days(most days) i blame myself meanly cuz i know there something wrong with me.. i'm the sick one.. so these most be all in my head.. and also it happens with more then one person in my life.. so i know that rule of thumb if it one person it them if more then 1, it you... so i'm going on that.. but i feel like i'm trying so damn hard... and i h8 that i can meet someone have way and they can't.. (same topic halfway).. i go out my way to learn and keep boundaries, how to talk to ppl, how to ask, and say no.. and i feel like i'm always using/trying to use the GIVE DBT skill and that not easy.. i'm not gentle when i'm mad!!! but know one and i mean know 1 and my life has take any steps to try to mend/ repair the broken or unhealthy relationship i may have with them...

not seeing the hope, light, in this at all.. and then i feel like ppl can / will still say/think... oh this is just her bpd.. and ur splitting.. but i don't think this is that... i know there gray i see gray in the world.. but this idk.. seem like they're so use to the crazy they don't what to have nothing new.. of they think i'm hopeless and one way or another and don't expects a "good healthy relationship" with me.. and that though make me even more sad

Interpersonal Effectiveness skills and mood/bpd update

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT some of MY STORY...

just looked at this movie.. not a movie i should have been looking at i know that *smh and cry now* in the movie this girl was one a date... she went back to his house they where kissing and she said stop but he didn't stop he raped her... in my heart i know that its a movie its not real they are acting.. so why am i like these?

 i was 15 yr. old when my boyfriend at the time raped me... i don't remember it all tonight.. not that i want to.. i really don't trip off it a lot for the most part... sometime i can recall all of it and grate deal and sometimes like to night all i can recall are bits and pieces.. i need to get these out if that's ok... i was 15 and he was about the same age... it happen and the summer.. it was in July.. it was right after 5 kids from my church died.. it was a swimming accident.. i wasn't there with them at the river that day but i was going to go if i didn't already have to go to my aunts bday dinner that day... one of my real close friend's lost 3 his brothers and 1 sister that day... so i didn't know who to talk to about it.. just knew i wouldn't going to talk to him and my best friend was out of town and my other best idk y but we didn't talk that much.. so the next person was my boyfriend and i was so down.. and out of it.. i think the day after i just started walking didn't know where i was going just walked and he was trying to get me to go home but i was just walking for hours.. so i was not in a gd mind set... at that time i never had sex before other then the times i was raped and i was just getting over all of that... even did this reclame my virginity thing at church.. so he was trying to get me sleep with him.. and i said ok.. we went to the store together.. i was up for not really but i said it was ok.. then we where at my house on my bed and he was on top of my kissing me.. i didn't like it.. i told him to stop he didn't.. it start to.. will you know and was crying screaming tell "no" "stop" "i cant" "this hurts" "i don't want to do these", but he would stop.. he put his over my face and just went harder.. at these time i just cried... i know remember if i was loud or not quit when i was cry just know my eyes where burn when he was done.. it hurt SO bad.. i remember thinking i was so dirty and i ran in the bathroom and lucked the door.. cried so much i throw up and then i was in the tub clean it all off and out.. i know i was know so much pain down there.. i don't know why i thought soup with make the pain stop... these is getting really hard to right but i'm going to push thou these and just say it... hated he after that.. but we dated for about 2 or 3 more weeks after that.. the sad part was a few days after that i was so mad about it and he took my virginity i fuck him... good... i didn't want that to be the story on how i "lost it" i want to make it right.. after i did that one week latter i didn't think anyone would believe that i got raped and then had sex with my rapist a few days latter... i didn't tell anyone what really happened for a lone time.. no even my best friend.. 

hopeless and out the hospital

just got out the hospital hasn't even been been 48 hr. and i already want to do "stuff" that i know will put me back in.. why am i like this i have to ask my self but "normal" wouldn't act like this they just wouldn't... just i don't have an answer and that suck even more... i don't like myself to day... not any thing about me i like not my hair, my face, my eyes, nose, NOTHING!!! how can i set here and hate every thing about me... but i do... today i will complain and h8 the world far i have nothing better to do... haven't bathed..change my close either anything like that.. all i want is to die AND cry.. I'm not a gd friend to the one person that is there for me every day... and that just kills me the most... i love her more then any thing and when she needs me today i make thing worse... i don't know how to help i cant even be there to just listen.. i don't even think I'm a gd blogger... i have no hope no faith.. hell i don't even have any views.. i know no1 cares about me and i;m alone cuz if they did... idk i think even if someone call me on my phone and said Destiny i love you... i still wouldn't feel it...

ONLY BABIES CRY OVER SPELT MILK!!

so, can you  tell by the title what is on my mind? well i was a lil mad and by a lil i mean a lot about the milk spoiling earily.. the date said 1/11/12 but it went bad on the 3rd that's about an week difference.. you know you broke when you cry over that.. but when i went to the store they gave me free milk no questions asked.. so now i'm in luv with that store... cusmer for life... =D

whats the rules for a blog?

i really don't know where to begin... i feel like there so much to say.. but at the same time nothing anyone with half a mind would want to hear at the same time.. starting is the hardiest thing for me...  let's talk BPD (borderline personality disorder)... these is the thing that consumes my life.. bpd for me is the name of the monster that goes bump in the night..i feel like the only way to get over "it"(bpd) is to admit to failure on some since... it say i "fucked up" and who really wants to do that?  there is so much running through my mind i just cant say any thing cuz if i do then nothing will make since.. so ill just have to pick these up latter..