I'm not lovable unless I'm sick?

I know it's a fuck up thought doesn't need anyone to tell me that much..

It's been 53 hours since I last hurt myself..  Time is still moving very odd..  I real like I'm going to destroy my new very important relationship with my self destructive behavior.. Although logically I understand how I need to not put myself all out there.. How so unhealthy it is.. How more than I want a friend, a parter and companion..  I really just want a god damn healthy relationship..  Cuz Lord knows everytime I find someone new to be in my life I over step my boundaries (over and over) until it becomes impossible for them and they leave me..  It's not there fail I drive them away you can only go through so much of they Rollercoaster ride before you say "fuck it.. I want my money back..cuz I didn't sign up for this" I want to be loved and I want to love..  Not just I'm sick but because I'm lovable... 

What are you scared of? Strange Fruit & Hooded Man

A young boy was shot. No one even cared at first. A young BOY was shot and the first thing out your mouth was what did he do. A young BOY was shot and you justified it by talking about what he was wearing. Why am I so upset? Why are you not? Where ok with are young black boys getting shot now? When I was younger there where rules in our house. Some people would call my mother strict but now I know there was a reason. Don't wear dark close at night your too dark to be doing that. She told me one day in the car. I was 13/14 years old at the time. See most people that don't know how my family speaks you see this rude, insensitive, maybe even darkist/racist. When I think back on this I remember love and warning. Mother knew things that I didn't. She knew the world I lived in. She understood they will kill a little black boy and not think anything of it.. My mother told my brother he was not allowed to wear a plan white tee that was oversized. Even if he pants wasn't hanging off his ass. When he asked why my mother told him "you are black you all ready have one strike against you" I didn't understand and asked her to explain. She said "they will always be looking for a young black male with blue jeans and a white shirt... So don't fit the description" my mother loved me. Sometimes I forget this.. Her love is different her love is so different. My mother taught me because she loved me and no one can tell me different.. We kill little black boys and if no one is there to make a scene no one will care.

I May or May Not Be Losing My Shit

So I’m sure we all know that I haven’t made a video in like weeks (shrug) sorry for that…

Things that you should know about me atm..  I’m unwell; like really really really bat shit crazy in this bitch..  What does that mean? I mood is scary   I’m rapid cycling.. And have a hard time functioning and everyday life let alone be able to do anything extra like making videos..

I really hope you all can understand and also respect my  privacy