I'm trying to be okay but I'm not... I'm so out of it... I wish I was better for people I really do I don't think they think anything good about me... I'm trying to be there for 2 really good friends. every time I see them, talk to them, and the spotlight is not on me all I feel is anxiety because they're trying to be there for them. I feel there pain, there bad times but there's nothing I can do to help them and I feel like I'm a bad friend for that. I should be doing something but I don't know what it is and I'm supposed to be doing... I have so much love and respect for them and I never want to see them in pain... I think that there pain brings out something inside of me and then act out. I binge, purge, cut, get drunk just really bad destructive behaviors. I can't tell anyone that I did it because my friend was having a hard time because that just doesn't make sense... who hurt itself because someone else is hurting? that's sounds counter productive.. I'm smarter than this..that what I keep telling myself I keep talking to myself like I can "will it away" and mental illness just doesn't work like that.. this disease/ syndrome/disorder that I have.. this way of life!!? this fucked up brain I can't get rid of; by my intellect at least I've been told that.. What is a girl to do when her craziness is taking everything else in her... Her relationships... She bitchs about on a blog of course lol.. Fml

it's ok to be mad sometimes

I don't want to be calm.... I don't want to calm down... I want to curse, to scream, to punch things I'm so tired of everyone thinking that they know best for me telling me that my feelings are wrong... telling me to calm down sometimes the best thing for me isn't a calm down its to feel because I'm human and I have feelings

my ED ruins everything...

I saw something on YouTube today and I wanted to talk about it obviously I can' talk about it on YouTube because I try to keep it PG 13 kind of.. Lol the mystery topic is porn yeah I said it porn.. is so triggering and I'm not even talking about from PTSD stand point obviously they can do something in pornography and it can remind you of the trauma that you had(position that they're doing, something that they said) it can make u have panic attack.. but the thing that that person was talking about was how she couldn't watch porn because it triggered her eating disorder and that was the first time I ever heard someone say that out loud I honestly thought that I was the only 1 I felt that way I mean come on everyone in porn are so pretty they have no pimples on their ass no ingrown hairs even thou they're freshly shaved, no weird like armpit hair dude there freaking perfect!! I mean even the people w/ big boobs and big asses they have the flattest little tummies and the people that are skinny are like so skinny that you can see the rib cages in certain positions and I know people get off by these.. like I know know know for fact that people are getting off these girls are sexy because it's freaking porn that's the whole point of looking at it. I mean yes I do have big boobs and I guess depends on who you ask I have a big butt too but I do not have a small tummy... I'm full figured even though I hate it