I'm trying to be okay but I'm not... I'm so out of it... I wish I was better for people I really do I don't think they think anything good about me... I'm trying to be there for 2 really good friends. every time I see them, talk to them, and the spotlight is not on me all I feel is anxiety because they're trying to be there for them. I feel there pain, there bad times but there's nothing I can do to help them and I feel like I'm a bad friend for that. I should be doing something but I don't know what it is and I'm supposed to be doing... I have so much love and respect for them and I never want to see them in pain... I think that there pain brings out something inside of me and then act out. I binge, purge, cut, get drunk just really bad destructive behaviors. I can't tell anyone that I did it because my friend was having a hard time because that just doesn't make sense... who hurt itself because someone else is hurting? that's sounds counter productive.. I'm smarter than this..that what I keep telling myself I keep talking to myself like I can "will it away" and mental illness just doesn't work like that.. this disease/ syndrome/disorder that I have.. this way of life!!? this fucked up brain I can't get rid of; by my intellect at least I've been told that.. What is a girl to do when her craziness is taking everything else in her... Her relationships... She bitchs about on a blog of course lol.. Fml