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Monday, November 24, 2014

My thoughts after the grand jury (Michael Brown)

No matter what you say there's a young man that has die. This may have been a justifiable  shooting. But at the end of the day the reason there's such an out rage is because there's so much dirty, nasty shit that goes on by the police here. We should still be out raged if not by this.. Then by the Flooded racist system that is in place. There's  so much wrong.. It's not just about #mikebrown. I hope people will be respectful of the dead (all those Michael Jackson fans that where saying you don't speak ill of the remember that now) Mike Brown may not have been an angel. It's funny how we will put things/people up on a pedestal. We live in a world where a lot of black man are guilty until proven innocent instead of  the other way around. I have a older brother how has never broken the law yet there was been gun pointed at him (by police more than 3 times) one time while with me in the car. There are communities where a black male is more likely to go to jail then graduate highschool. I just hope people don't losses site of the bigger issue of not Mike Brown but the other unnamed souls you don't know about that are dying by violence and also police brutality. Police brutality is a real issue that needs to be addressed. Along with other major issues that are affected by the black community poor, middle classed, or other wise. Be if it not you it can always be your brother, father, or son. 

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Life updates 10.22.14

Personal update.

Idk if I said this in the group but I've been physically sick for about two weeks now. (pneumonia and bronchitis) I was really ranty. So I think I said something about the pharmacist was an asshole and made me cry (freak out and have an horrible episode) well I told my manager at the store yesterday and how rude and how horrible my experience with me is (and how it wasn't my first time having a bad experience with him) she gave me a $10 gift card. Witch I didn't even expect and told me she would talk me.
Had to see my caseworker, and psychiatrist yesterday. Today I saw my (old therapist) and tomorrow I will see my new psychologist (something as a therapist)
I'm struggling with ED stuff it's not too bad off atm and Also self harm. Haven't acted on any suicidal thoughts for 6 weeks. And although I really have a lot of urges to do a number of self destructive/impulsive things I have not. Moods mostly down and PTSD symptoms are at a all time high (flashbacks, nightmares, hypersensitivity, and anger outburst) also very tearful. My psychiatrist did add one med for me at night called prazosin (minipress) witch is supposed to help with nightmares I one been one it for one day. But I didn't have any dreams or nightmares last night. But still too early to really know

Also about the pneumonia and bronchitis I'm still sick but I'm alot better.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Personal post 11pm 9.28.14

Just got off the phone with my physicist.. She keeps pissing me off telling me I abundant issues.. No shit! But we don't have to bring it up all the time (rather it's relevant or not to my current situation) I'm struggling to not hurt myself.. Home alone again Idk I think something happened this time of year that I pushed away. My physicist told me that I can call her later tonight If I need to but I don't want to give her a reason to send me to hospital. I suppose to call her in the morning to check in but Idk if I will are not.. All the talk about abuse on YouTube is supper triggering and I know it's something that needs to be talked about but when I wrote out an video outline today that's when it all started going to SHIT. Any one that knows me know I have had A LOT of abuse! But I put alot of it fair away in my head and forget about it. I call them "little incidences" but there is nothing little about assault in any form. Street harassment, people trying to pick up up for prostitution, attempted kidnapping, people exposing themselves, unwanted touching, and people asking for my information (phone number ect.) just to name a few are sadly the things I call "little incidences" cuz my other "real abuse" was 500% times worse.  And even setting here writing this out has brought me to tears..

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Forever alone

At the end of the day I guess I will only have myself.. No one what's to be there when you're going through shit.. Cuz at the end of the day NO ONE FUCKING CARES. The cold hard truth there for you..  I want to believe in the best of people.. But how can I when shit like this happened.. Everyone will always have a reason (they always do) I'm not saying that to make it sound like I don't understand.. I do I understand that you will let me down a 1000 times over and I will forgive each and every time.. Cuz that's what I do.. You will hurt me.. You will leave me.. I will be left here to pick up the pieces..  You think I will survive. You think I don't want to die. One day I will prove you all wrong.  One day I will do so tired of the bullshit. Be left alone and I will not be available to take it anymore..

Some of you will read this and think Wtf..  That's ok I'm not saying this so you will understand.. I know no will.. I know I'm hard to swallow.. I know I'm not easy to hear..  But at the same time this is my truth..  No matter how fucked up.. It's mine.. I will take full responsibility for the backlash later on..

Most say they want to know what goes on in my head...  It's a lie you really don't.. This is not a random.. This is how I feel day and and day out wroth I say the words out loud or not.. My feelings never change

Thursday, May 29, 2014

I'm not lovable unless I'm sick?

I know it's a fuck up thought doesn't need anyone to tell me that much..

It's been 53 hours since I last hurt myself..  Time is still moving very odd..  I real like I'm going to destroy my new very important relationship with my self destructive behavior.. Although logically I understand how I need to not put myself all out there.. How so unhealthy it is.. How more than I want a friend, a parter and companion..  I really just want a god damn healthy relationship..  Cuz Lord knows everytime I find someone new to be in my life I over step my boundaries (over and over) until it becomes impossible for them and they leave me..  It's not there fail I drive them away you can only go through so much of they Rollercoaster ride before you say "fuck it.. I want my money back..cuz I didn't sign up for this" I want to be loved and I want to love..  Not just I'm sick but because I'm lovable... 

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

What are you scared of? Strange Fruit & Hooded Man

A young boy was shot. No one even cared at first. A young BOY was shot and the first thing out your mouth was what did he do. A young BOY was shot and you justified it by talking about what he was wearing. Why am I so upset? Why are you not? Where ok with are young black boys getting shot now? When I was younger there where rules in our house. Some people would call my mother strict but now I know there was a reason. Don't wear dark close at night your too dark to be doing that. She told me one day in the car. I was 13/14 years old at the time. See most people that don't know how my family speaks you see this rude, insensitive, maybe even darkist/racist. When I think back on this I remember love and warning. Mother knew things that I didn't. She knew the world I lived in. She understood they will kill a little black boy and not think anything of it.. My mother told my brother he was not allowed to wear a plan white tee that was oversized. Even if he pants wasn't hanging off his ass. When he asked why my mother told him "you are black you all ready have one strike against you" I didn't understand and asked her to explain. She said "they will always be looking for a young black male with blue jeans and a white shirt... So don't fit the description" my mother loved me. Sometimes I forget this.. Her love is different her love is so different. My mother taught me because she loved me and no one can tell me different.. We kill little black boys and if no one is there to make a scene no one will care.

Friday, May 16, 2014

I May or May Not Be Losing My Shit

So I’m sure we all know that I haven’t made a video in like weeks (shrug) sorry for that…

Things that you should know about me atm..  I’m unwell; like really really really bat shit crazy in this bitch..  What does that mean? I mood is scary   I’m rapid cycling.. And have a hard time functioning and everyday life let alone be able to do anything extra like making videos..

I really hope you all can understand and also respect my  privacy

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Monday, April 21, 2014

Updates|ECT|suicide attempts|failed relationships: http://youtu.be/GEDjSaUVCtc

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

I don't know if I should love you or hate you-SUICIDE

Trigger Warning

I'm not trying to be a attached whore I just have all these feelings and needed to get them out somewhere cuz it's way too fucked up to say outloaid

There's a part of me that knows I shouldn't...  But I can't help but drown in be the alor of this desire..  I have a love-hate self-destructive relationship with you..  Although I know you may not be a good choice..  I often have you as a close second..  I know my family and friends hate you..  But I don't think they see your beauty..  You are a acquired taste that lingers in my mouth for over a decade now..  And at the in why not?  You whisper sweet nothings in my hear since my young adolescents..  Who am I to deny you the fruit of your labor..  Know one has the work ethic as you you..  You work 24/7 even Whitecastles takes Chirstmas off..  You will be the end of every thing good in my life..  You will be the except for the dark I fear so much..  You will be the end and my new beginning...  I don't fear you..  I welcome your presents hole heartedly..  You are death..  You are suicide...  I'm unsure and unstable.. I fear your cold numbness..  But I'm still here..  Waiting for you to come..  Many people want me to stop but how can I with you holding me tight like a warm hug..  You're my down fall but at least I know you will never leave me..  I want to be close to you..  Closer than I've ever been before.. 

Maybe I won't... But maybe I will.. 
Sorry to anyone I hurt.. I tried but now I'm just tired

Saturday, February 1, 2014

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZCeQKsM-zc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I'm in love with my imaginary friend

No she is not a hallucination nor dissociation..  She's not a figment of my imagination she is as real as you think you are... She's the best version of you the version that you will never live up to be..  She's all my hopes and dreams with really awesome boobs..  She's brilliant and easy to talk to.. She's not judgy.. she's poised, she doesn't stumble over her words; like you.. she's not offensive..  she's just the right amount of crazy, enough to make it interesting but never enough to be medicated..  She's the type that I am not ashamed to bring home to mother.. She spiritual but not zealous.. She perfect..  And also she's not you.. 

I will penalize you for not being her..  For not living up to my expectations..  I will yell and I will scream and I will throw things aimed at your forehead..  Because I thought you were better..  You're not my expectation..  And for that I'm sorry..

I'm sorry you're human

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Random thoughts of a confused Borderline

This so awkward..  Ppl makes a big deal about adolescence but then the young adulthood is hard as shit too..  I'm constantly trying to find myself.. find what I'm believing in.. how I feel about all the opinions of the world..  And it is really really really hard..  Trying to figure out your sexuality, your religion, your spirituality, your politic views..  Its all exhausting..  I'm sitting here trying to find the right balance of respecting myself, my family, my culture, and my spirituality..  But also trying to form my own opinion on the world and sexism and racism and equality...  There's so much things that is so far left or far right that I honestly can't set with it and I'm trying to find that middle ground..  And I don't think most people understand that the reason why I can't 100% agree and stay on the same mindset.. Is Because as I try to grow and find out different views on the situation my view sometimes changes in the process..   Yes I am religious and I am modest and yes I am a feminist..  I'm a hijabi and I'm also queer..  I am sensitive..  I am Black.. I have mental illness and I am trying to recover..  I'm also trying to be happy but most of the time I'm really sad..  My identity is not just one single narrative! it is all these things and more I am so complex and I hate when someone puts me in little boxes and just wants to keep me there.. I'm okay with your labels but just because I fall into a label doesn't mean that I am NOT other labels at the same time because I am a human and I am complex and also please love me...  I talk a lot and I have bad grammar and I have all these feelings that I want the world to know..  Also please love me..  I smile to you with tears in my eyes please love me...  I want you to know that even if we have different opinions are different views I am NOT (not open to hearing your beautiful options on the world).  Me not agreeing has nothing to do about my feelings about you don't be scared to challenge what I say.. don't be scared to disagree with me because I love stimulating conversation and I love you..  And also please love me too..  I am clingy and I am a mess and I'm probably bad for you..  And also please love me

Monday, January 27, 2014

I'm a bag of broken bones but I'll still love you

Might trigger Idk *random thoughts*
Thinking about you again..  It's a happy thought but I still cry.. Thinking about how you bit my check.. I didn't bit you back (I regret that) thinking about how you make it your goal to keep  me safe even when I could know longer do that for myself..  I don't say thank you enough (I regret that).. I miss your worth..  It's not even sexual.. I miss the mutual touch..  So holy and safe.. So free and heart worming..  See the thing about having a very short list of ppl that can touch you..  Is no one can ever touch you..  Sometimes I want to to change and someone tries to hold my hand and give me a hug. And I just cringe at the thought..   Don't touch me!  is what my bone cry out..  I still ak from person touched me..  My bones still hurt from that day..  I don't know if I'll ever be the same..  I'm just a bag or broken bones..  I'm no one first pick..  But I'm ok with that just along as I have you..  I am starting to see..  My old bag of bone will never be whole..  It's not that I don't understand why you wouldn't want me back (the same why I long for you) it's just sad..  Yea that's the word..  SAD...  I remember you today..  It was happy but I still cried because at the same time thinking about you makes me sad..

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Monday, January 13, 2014

Self esteem

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ER4BK-2VzU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Happy New Year's

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAEQawo-7xc&feature=youtube_gdata_player