hopeless and out the hospital

just got out the hospital hasn't even been been 48 hr. and i already want to do "stuff" that i know will put me back in.. why am i like this i have to ask my self but "normal" wouldn't act like this they just wouldn't... just i don't have an answer and that suck even more... i don't like myself to day... not any thing about me i like not my hair, my face, my eyes, nose, NOTHING!!! how can i set here and hate every thing about me... but i do... today i will complain and h8 the world far i have nothing better to do... haven't bathed..change my close either anything like that.. all i want is to die AND cry.. I'm not a gd friend to the one person that is there for me every day... and that just kills me the most... i love her more then any thing and when she needs me today i make thing worse... i don't know how to help i cant even be there to just listen.. i don't even think I'm a gd blogger... i have no hope no faith.. hell i don't even have any views.. i know no1 cares about me and i;m alone cuz if they did... idk i think even if someone call me on my phone and said Destiny i love you... i still wouldn't feel it...